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"Success is going from failure to failure without a loss of enthusiasm."
~Sir Winston Churchill
My Mom taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside, I just finished cleaning!”
My Mom taught me RELIGION –
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
My Mom taught me about TIME TRAVEL –
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
My Mom taught me LOGIC –
“Because I said so, that’s why.”
My Mom taught me FORESIGHT –
“Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you’re in an accident.”
My Mom taught me IRONY –
“Keep laughing and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
My Mom taught me about the SCIENCE of OSMOSIS –
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”
My Mom taught me about CONTORTIONISM –
“Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!”
My Mom taught me about STAMINA –
“You’ll sit there ‘till all that spinach is finished.”
My Mom taught me about WEATHER –
“It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.”
My Mom taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS –
“If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?”
My Mom taught me about HYPOCRISY –
“If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times…Don’t Exaggerate!!!”
My Mom taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE –
“I brought you into this world and I can take you out!”
My Mom taught me about ENVY –
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do!”
My Mom taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION –
“Stop acting like your father!”
How many church people does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic: Only one.
Hands already in the air.
Roman Catholics: None.
They use candles.
Pentecostals: Ten.
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None.
God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.
Episcopalians: Eight.
One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.
Mormons: Five.
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarian Universalists: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about you personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Baptists: At least 10.
One to change the light bulb, a committee to approve the change. Oh, and also provide a casserole.
Lutherans: None.
Lutherans don't believe in change.
Methodists: 10
One to change the bulb. Nine to attack the preacher, because someone's grandmother gave that bulb to the church!!
One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Director was hit by a bus and she died. Her soul was met at the Pearly gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven", said St Peter. "Before you get settled in, it seems we have a problem. You see, we've never had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you".
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we are going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules... " And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all cheering for her.
They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got in the elevator.
The elevator opened at the Pearly gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her. She spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So you have spent a day in hell, and a day in Heaven. Now choose your eternity," he said.
The woman replied: "Well I never thought I would say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to Hell.
When the doors opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is are wastelands and garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting, today you're staff..."
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark." The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said. The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
"The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch somebody else doing it wrong, without comment."
-T. H. White
“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees. “Yes, Sir”, the new employee replied. “Well, then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on… “After you left early yesterday to go to your Grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”
The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn.
-Alvin Toffler
“Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.”
- Plato (429-347 BC)
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil. “Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently. “You did WHAT?!?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise. “You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over went ‘pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?” The boy thought it over and said “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!”
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later…”Da-ad” “What?” “I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?” “No, you had a chance. Lights out. Five minutes later…”Da-ad” “What?” “I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?” “I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!!” Five minutes later…”Da-ad” “What?” “I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?” “WHAT??” “When you come to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?”
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.” Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.” The Pastor spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, “Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.?” She replied, “I thought I was, but my mother says I’m not.”
- A great idea spoken softly is like a dandelion seed in a gentle breeze.
- A bad idea spoken loudly is like a bullfrog in the night.
- The daily struggle to achieve your goals may be difficult at times, but no goals means no dreams, which means no life.
- To persevere amongst friends is simply training for perseverance amongst enemies.
- Compassion for others often comes from seeing our own failings in others.
- Are your beliefs stepping stones to enlightenment or walls for comfort?
- Use others ideas as the stimulus to your personal thought and not as a replacement.
- Nature survives, people live.
- It is often your choice whether excrement is crap or fertilizer.
- Never accept failure, but get use to it.
- If you follow my philosophy step by step, you will be living my life, not yours.
- We are not alone.
- I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
- When I was young, we used to go "skinny dipping." Now I just "chunky dunk."
- Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
- Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
- Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
- If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
- Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
- Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
At breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, 'I'll bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he answered as if he were offended and left for work.
At 10AM, the doorbell rang and the woman was handed a dozen long-stemmed roses.
At 1PM, a foil-wrapped two pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later still, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home!
"First the flowers, then the chocolates, then the dress," she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the
large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with
names, and small American Flags were mounted on either side of it. The
seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor
walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said
quietly, "Good morning, Alex"
"Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"Pastor, what is this?"
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the
service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's
voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he asked, "Which
service, the 8:15 or the 10:30?"
An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.
The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.
"Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"
Again he gets no response so he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"
Again there is no response, so he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
"Darn it, Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"
At the prodding of my friends, I am writing this story. My name is Mildred Hondorf. I am a former elementary school music teacher from Des Moines, Iowa. I've always supplemented my income by teaching piano lessons-something I've done for over 30 years. Over the years I found that children have many levels of musical ability. I've never had the pleasure of having a prodigy though have taught some talented students. However, I've also had my share of what I call "musically challenged" pupils.
One such student was Robby. Robby was 11 Years old when his mother (a single Mom) dropped him off for his first piano lesson. I prefer that students (especially boys!) begin at an earlier age, which I explained to Robby. But Robby said that it had always been his mother's dream to hear him play the piano. So I took him as a student.
Well, Robby began with his piano lessons and from the beginning I thought it was a hopeless endeavor. As much as Robby tried, he lacked the sense of tone and basic rhythm needed to excel. But he dutifully reviewed his scales and some elementary pieces that I require all my students to learn.
Over the months he tried and tried while I listened and cringed and tried to encourage him. At the end of each weekly lesson he'd always say, "My mom's going to hear me play someday." But it seemed hopeless. He just did not have any inborn ability.
I only knew his mother from a distance as she dropped Robby off or waited in her aged car to pick him up. She always waved and smiled but never stopped in.
Then one day Robby stopped coming to our lessons. I thought about calling him but assumed because of his lack of ability, that he had decided to pursue something else. I also was glad that he stopped coming. He was a bad advertisement for my teaching!
Several weeks later I mailed to the student's homes a flyer on the upcoming recital. To my surprise Robby (who received a flyer) asked me if he could be in the recital. I told him that the recital was for current pupils and because he had dropped out he really did not qualify.
He said that his mother had been sick and unable to take him to piano lessons but he was still practicing. "Miss Hondorf .. . . I've just got to play!" he insisted.
I don't know what led me to allow him to play in the recital. Maybe it was his persistence or maybe it was something inside of me saying that it would be all right.
The night for the recital came. The high school gymnasium was packed with parents, friends and relatives. I put Robby up last in the program before I was to come up and thank all the students and play a finishing piece. I thought that any damage he would do would come at the end of the program and I could always salvage his poor performance through my "curtain closer."
Well, the recital went off without a hitch. The students had been practicing and it showed. Then Robby came up on stage. His clothes were wrinkled and his hair looked like he'd run an eggbeater through it.
"Why didn't he dress up like the other students?" I thought. "Why didn't his mother at least make him comb his hair for this special night?"
Robby pulled out the piano bench and he began. I was surprised when he announced that he had chosen Mozart's Concerto #21 in C Major. I was not prepared for what I heard next. His fingers were light on the keys; they even danced nimbly on the ivories. He went from pianissimo to fortissimo.... from allegro to virtuoso. His suspended chords that Mozart demands were magnificent! Never had I heard Mozart played so well by people his age.
After six and a half minutes he ended in a grand crescendo and everyone was on their feet in wild applause. Overcome and in tears I ran up on stage and put my arms around Robby in joy.
"I've never heard you play like that Robby! How'd you do it?"
Through the microphone Robby explained: "Well Miss Hondorf . . ..remember I told you my Mom was sick? Well, actually she had cancer and passed away this morning. And well . . . she was born deaf so tonight was the first time she ever heard me play. I wanted to make it special."
There wasn't a dry eye in the house that evening. As the people from Social Services led Robby from the stage to be placed into foster care, I noticed that even their eyes were red and puffy and I thought to myself how much richer my life had been for taking Robby as my pupil.
No, I've never had a prodigy but that night I became a prodigy. . of Robby's. He was the teacher and I was the pupil For it is he that taught me the meaning of perseverance and love and believing in yourself and maybe even taking a chance in someone and you don't know why.
Robby was killed in the senseless bombing of the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City in April of 1995.
And now, a footnote to the story.
The person who sent this to you believes that we can all make a difference. So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice: Do we act with compassion or do we pass up that opportunity and leave the world a bit colder in the process?
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the Clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas Stamps"? The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran, and 22 Baptists."
Jerry Wolf lightens Our Spirits as he talks about "Three Friends at The Baptist Temple"...
Three friends from the Baptist Church were asked: "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Bill said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Dan commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Rodney said: "I'd like to say, "Look, he's moving!"
Roger Hoffmann shares this bit of wisdom with us as a reminder that "Attitude is Everything" ...
Michael is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins! He was a natural motivator. "
If an employee was having a bad day, Michael was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.
Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Michael and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"
Michael replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or ... you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or.... I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or... I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.
"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.
"Yes, it is," Michael said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood.
You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life."
I reflected on what Michael said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that Michael was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Michael was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.
I saw Michael about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?" I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.
"The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon to be born daughter, "Michael replied. "Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or I could choose to die. I chose to live."
"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.
Michael continued, "...the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw The expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read "he's a dead man. I knew I needed to take action."
"What did you do?" I asked.
"Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me. Said Michael. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. "Yes, I replied." The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, "Gravity." Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."
Michael lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that everyday we have the choice to live fully.
Attitude, after all, is everything.
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34
After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Carol Stahl passed along this information about the signs of the times...
A priest and a pastor from the local churches are
standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground, which
reads "The End is Near!Turn Yourself Around Now Before It's Too Late!"
"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled a
driver as he sped past.
From the curve ahead, they heard screeching tires
nd a big splash.
The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you
think the sign should
just say 'Bridge Out'?"
- You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge
it.
- A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint
mine.
- He had a photographic memory that was never
developed.
- Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show
you A-flat minor.
- It is good to have an end to journey towards, but it is
the journey that matters in the end.
- What the caterpiller calls the end of the world, the
Master calls a butterfly.
-Richard
Bach
- Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over
if you just sit there!
-Roy Rogers
- Everything happens for a reason because life is a
process; nothing is by chance.
- "Friends are not made, they are recognized."
- "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep - Talk to the
Shepherd!"
A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding
up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, Who would like this $20
bill? Hands started going up. He said, I am going to give this $20 to one
of you but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple the dollar bill
up. He then asked, who still wants it? Still the hands were up in the air.
Well, he replied, What if I do this? And he dropped it on the ground and
started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up now
crumpled and dirty. Now who still wants it?
My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what
I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in
value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped,
crumbled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make or
circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But
no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your
value: dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless
to those who love you. Most important, you are priceless in God's
Site!
The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by
WHO WE ARE. You are special - Don't EVER forget it!
Count your blessings, not your problems. Never be afraid to try
something new. Remember that amateurs built the ark! Professionals built
the Titantic!
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it because that is your job and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, " I can't believe that. Show me."
So she fetched the Bible, opened the New Testament and showed him at
the top of several pages, that it indeed says
....."HEBREWS"
A father was approached by his small son, who told him
proudly, "I know what Bible means."
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean you 'know what the
Bible means'?"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said the father. "So what does Bible mean?"
"That's easy Daddy. It stands for Basic Information Before Leaving
Earth."
"Heaven will be inherited by every man who has heaven in his soul."
-Henry Ward Beecher (1813-1887)
"Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited.
Imagination encircles the world." -Albert Einstein
(1879-1955)
"The superior reasoning power...revealed in the incomprehensible
universe, forms my idea of God." -Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
"Patience is the companion of wisdom." -Saint Augustine
(354-430)
"Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."
-Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
"In my Father's house are many mansions." -The Bible, John
14:2
"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the
sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed
only if there is light from within." -Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (1926
-)
"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, nor
touched...but are felt in the heart." -Helen Keller
(1880-1968)
"Change your thoughts, and you change your world." -Norman Vincent
Peale (1898-1993)
"We all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all
different and yet the same." -Anne Frank
(1929-1945)
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their
fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of
paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a
few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And, it
takes eight people to collect all the money!"
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to
visit members of his congregation. All went well until he came to one house. It was
obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he
had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the
back Revelation 3:20 and stuck it on the door.
Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and
knock. If any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him,
and will sup with him, and he with me."
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found
his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation Genesis
3:10.
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in
the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
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